


What Could've Been

by EriiErii



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Hanahaki Disease, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:48:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22461403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EriiErii/pseuds/EriiErii
Summary: Before, Alfonse couldn't bring himself to open his heart to Kiran while he still felt hurt for his prior betrayals. After he realized how much Kiran meant to him, so had Lif. All while Kiran suffers from a disease that Alfonse was none the wiser to.
Relationships: Líf/Summoner | Eclat | Kiran, One-sided Alfonse/Summoner | Eclat | Kiran
Comments: 6
Kudos: 101





	What Could've Been

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! For post updates, questions, art and general random silliness in between, check me out at eriisaam.tumblr.com for more!

“Summoner, it’s good to see you’re up bright and early today!”

“...”

“...Is…. Is something wrong?”

“...Ah, it’s nothing.”

He took a step forward. Back then, the summoner stood stiffly. It wasn’t the first time the summoner had been behaving strangely, but it was the point Alfonse took notice in the moment. He was such a fool back then to realize too late that this had been an ongoing issue. The signs were so painfully obvious to him _now_ , so… _why?_ Why couldn’t he realize it in the time it mattered most?

“Please, Summoner, if there’s something I did wrong, won’t you tell me?”

“...What is my name, Prince Alfonse?”

He remembered how weird it was for the summoner to ask such a question, especially after this long. He didn’t stop to think twice of it.

“Summoner Kiran, of course.”

“...Are you sure?”

And it was then that he knew it was too late to take it back.

He remembered the summoner solemnly walking past him. As far as he knew, Commander Anna had introduced them as ‘Kiran’. He never stopped to ask them otherwise, or think of the matter further. In truth, he wasn’t even sure what the summoner looked like past the brief glimpse he could see of their lower face from under the hood, nor even thought there was another name besides ‘Kiran’.

And since that time the summoner walked off on him, he never got that chance.

It wasn’t for the lack of trying. He tried to catch the summoner in private a few times after that. At first, he still didn’t quite open his heart well enough to realize that he was initially doing more harm than good.

“Summoner! There you are.”

“I’m sorry, Prince. I have something else I gotta do.”

He couldn’t count how many times he tried anymore… He would seek the summoner out, but Kiran would simply shut the conversation down and leave. They would barely let him get close if it wasn’t strictly out of duty. When Alfonse’s patience couldn’t cope anymore, he lost his nerves.

“Summoner _please!_ Please, just _let me talk to you!”_

Initially, he was relieved to see Kiran stop in place. But from the tense body language, the relief was short-lived.

“...Why do you always call me that? ‘Summoner’ this, ‘Summoner’ that… Could you explain that much?”

“...I… I’m sorry. The truth was I was afraid. I never intended to be friends with you, Summoner.”

“So then it’s true that I was just a tool for you.”

“Please Kiran, let me finish, I beg you…”

“Prince… Is there really anything more to discuss?”

He saw them turn away again and coughed into their hand before clenching both hands into fists by either of their sides. He saw the way they were ready to leave him again. 

He couldn’t leave it like this, even if trying at all might make things worse. He ran up and grabbed the summoner by the arm, eventually outright hugging it when Kiran’s first instinct wasn’t to shove him off.

“It’s not like that. Not anymore… I realize I’ve treated you terribly when you’ve always been there when I needed you. But I wasn’t ready to truly welcome anyone in again. It was easier to keep myself closed, so I could continue on and remain strong. So it would be easier not to feel that loss again... I’m sorry, I want to make this right…”

“Prince-”

“I want to know who you really are, and I don’t want you to feel like just a tool anymore. At least… At least start with your name. What was it?”

But no matter what Alfonse said, even as Kiran sighed gently and clearly considered his words, their mind was also made up. They gently patted Alfonse’s hands off their arm and disengaged.

“...Let’s just stick with ‘Kiran’, for now. It’s what all of you are already used to, anyways.”

“Kiran, please-”

“I get it. I forgive you. I just need more time alone right now, ok…?” But such a sentiment was obviously forced. They were far too tense, even if it was at least genuine. 

They moved ahead even as their arm slid out of Alfonse’s hold. Midway of it, Kiran’s hand opened slightly in Alfonse’s palms. They weren’t having any more of it, and they left no matter how much Alfonse called out to them. 

It was after Kiran made their point clear that Alfonse realized he was holding something. As he balled his hand into a fist, there was a soft crunch that gave him pause. Relaxing his fingers, he opened his hand and realized he was holding a petal of some kind of flower, but it was so coated in a film of blood that he couldn’t immediately tell the type of flower.

* * *

After that, Kiran _tried_ to keep their word, but there was a wall Alfonse couldn’t climb over no matter how hard he tried. 

And to his credit, he made a strong effort to try.

Since then, Alfonse was much more conscious to no longer refer to Kiran by a mere title. Even Anna and Sharena took notice, and his sister was delighted to see her brother finally trying to befriend Kiran after all. But even then, Kiran never challenged the name, and Alfonse was never told what their real name would’ve been otherwise.

Then he seemed to change in his demeanor around the summoner. He stuck beside them when Anna and Sharena usually ran ahead or got caught up into all kinds of antics, usually along the lines of Anna’s latest get-rich-quick scheme or Sharena’s efforts to win festival challenges or find ways to improve Askr. He saw the way Kiran heard him out in his musing or observations. He saw the times Kiran was left just as flustered as he was when things got out of hand with Anna’s plans. He felt his heart flutter when he could see a smile form on Kiran’s lips. Yet the rest of Kiran’s face and features continued to remain hidden from him.

“Kiran… Are you ok?”

But then he was also much more alert of Kiran’s health. Especially as it was ailing them.

Alfonse couldn’t entirely be surprised. He wasn’t sure what kind of climate Kiran was used to in their own home world, and at this rate, it was one of the numerous other things about their life to remain a mystery to him even still. But between having to traverse two nations with vastly contrasting climates and temperatures, or having to brave the biting cold of Nifl’s snowstorms or the thick smog from the flames of Surtr’s carnage, Kiran’s health weakened. 

And yet, they would stubbornly insist on that same damn answer that neither of the two believed. 

“I’m fine.”

Was it already past the point the damage could be reversed? Or was it something deeper than he realized? 

What frustrated him most was when Kiran began hiding things about their condition. He could tell they were vomiting blood, but the only thing that tipped Alfonse off of such were the stains of their clothes and gloves painting a vivid picture to him that they tried and failed to hold back from vomiting initially. Occasionally, he saw a few stray petals here and there along the halls or in random places, always coated in some way with blood, yet without a clear origin. He was even more frustrated when Kiran looked paler the entire time they were pursuing Lif and Thrasir, almost matching a similar sickly pale tone as Eir. 

He hated it. He hated all _this._ If he hadn’t been such a fool for so long, maybe Kiran wouldn’t have fortified such a wall between them as they had. Maybe they could’ve opened up to him just enough to help them. But as it was, he was met with the same excuses and deflecting as always, with forced, half-hearted reassurances they were fine.

And yet even when Kiran didn’t trust him enough to come forward of what was wrong with them, they still remained enough to help settle his scores with Hel. Not just in his current life as Alfonse, but in his previous life as Lif…

The withered swordsman couldn’t bring himself to harm Sharena. He also equally couldn’t bring himself to hurt Kiran either. In a moment of weakness, he looked to Kiran with a pained expression much like Alfonse’s own whenever he saw the worst of the summoner’s condition.

It was in that brief moment that Lif let his guard down long enough for Alfonse to seize the opportunity and rip his stomach open with his blade, allowing the ectoplasma to freely flow and spill out of his body.

He knew he was dying. He knew Alfonse won his right to remain and face Hel. He had already had his fate sealed with such a critical blow, enough so that his focus shifted at the last minute.

He didn’t care anymore to take Alfonse down with him. He no longer had the spirit in him to fight. The Order of Heroes couldn’t tell if it was a moment of clarity, if he was controlled by Hel and broke free in his last moments, or if he acted on his own selfish will then and there, but he stumbled his way to Kiran even as he abandoned his own sword while doing so. Initially, Alfonse bristled at the gesture and was ready to strike him again, but Sharena rushed up in front of him to stop him, shaking her head and silently crying while stopping him in place. She wouldn’t allow Alfonse to take this away from him, and she trusted Lif enough to give him this much. 

“Kiran… I’m so sorry… I couldn’t save you then…” He reached over to cup Kiran’s cheek, tucking a hand within the hood, but not daring to slip the hood off. He understood why Kiran so stubbornly wore the hood even then, and he didn’t dare challenge that, even as he neared his final moments. Though Kiran seemed to tremble in trying and failing to stifle another violent cough, Lif was barely any better as his breathing grew harsher. The puffs of light blue mist were becoming much more frequent, and his struggles to will himself to hold on grew painfully obvious by the instant.

“E-even here… It seems I still couldn’t help you... I never got to tell you that… w-without you… I thought I’d be less than I am…” Even as he spoke, he had to force his words out. He struggled to keep his breaths even to keep speaking, but he couldn’t miss his chance again, even if it was the last thing he’d do. “I-In this form… With my choices… I proved that right… Y-you were my trusted partner… Even if I could never tell you that w-when…. when it mattered most…”

He felt his strength sapping. He practically leaned against Kiran, and their knees buckled under the new weight until both of them kneeled. The Order of Heroes watched tensely as Lif leaned up close enough beside Kiran to whisper something that made Kiran’s eyes light up. Being this close, he whispered Kiran’s real name. He had a gentle smile even as he saw Kiran’s eyes up close for the first time and noticed the tears.

“I-I…” 

But it was too late. He didn’t have the strength anymore to finish his sentence. His body went limp, and he finally succumbed to his wounds. It broke Kiran and Sharena worse of all, to a point it sparked Kiran into another coughing fit just beside Lif. Alfonse and Anna scrambled to try to drag Kiran away while leaving Lif’s now lifeless corpse where it was, understanding the pain of the sight, but still urging the party as a whole to press onward to finish Hel off and avenge Lif.

As they left the withered swordsman behind, the commotion of Anna’s and Alfonse’s struggles made them completely miss sight of the fact that what Kiran vomited out was an entire rose bud. It was in full bloom, but its original colors were too heavily stained by the blood to identify. It remained beside Lif’s body, as if a cruel tribute to his loss.

* * *

Heads held high with their mission, they pressed on to defeat Hel. 

In secret, she ordered for Kiran’s death. Even as Eir found a moment of privacy with the summoner, she could barely even get a word in before the summoner already took charge with their own request.

“...I… I just want to stay long enough to accomplish this much. I can tell from the way you’ve been looking at me that you’re here to tell me I don’t have much time left, right?”

“Kiran…” She tried her best to interject, but her passive nature was easily pushed down in favor of Kiran’s resolve.

“Let me help them one more time… After that, you can do whatever you want with me, Eir… I don’t care anymore…”

She couldn’t bring herself to correct them. She was already overwhelmed as she began realizing the Order of Heroes were set on the same course as Lif and Thrasir before them, but… She couldn’t bring herself to torment Kiran further. Not after all this… 

So she didn’t take Kiran’s life, even if she still pretended otherwise. With how much they had already looked as near-dead as she had, it was easy to fool Hel with them as it were. For what she feared would’ve been an impossible battle was a fight that the Order of Heroes, Veronica and Kiran easily and tidily handled after all. And just like that, Hel was no more.

But even with Kiran’s request, even with the longing she could feel off the summoner’s heart, she didn’t grant them their wish either. She couldn’t… That wasn’t for her to take from the summoner, especially after seeing the way Alfonse kept looking at them.

So she gently urged Alfonse to go speak with Kiran. She couldn’t push too hard, and she had little experience in this kind of thing, but she tried what little she could to assist.

That day, Kiran forced themself to get out of bed and to the summoning altar. It was just as it was technically the next day, but it was still dark out with little else but the moon and stars to illuminate the altar. 

Just as Eir warned him, Alfonse saw the summoner approach and prepare to summon as typical. He hesitated to just rush in and break the summoner’s concentration, or risk ruining the orbs Kiran was using for it, but his heart was pounding heavily in his chest.

He watched the way Kiran seemed to focus primarily on red orbs. They focused on one red orb in particular, noticed the altar hop just a little to gather a cloud of dust, and then focus enough energy to illuminate the entire area with a beam of light. 

Alfonse felt his heart immediately sink at the sight of who was called.

“...It’s…. I-it’s you…”

Was this some kind of trick? Did the gods not have enough of his torment? He immediately realized where he was, but he initially didn’t want to believe it.

Not until he saw the summoner in front of him. Not until he approached them and reached over to cup their cheek. The same sickly pale face… Those same surprised eyes… Those tears falling again and that same tremble in their gait that barely kept them standing in their weakened form… 

He breathed out the summoner’s true name and immediately saw the light in their eyes strengthened. And then he knew…

“I love you…” His voice was initially weak, especially when he wasn’t sure how the summoner would take it. They didn’t seem to shiver as much right then, nor did they run away as he drew closer.

“I love you.” His voice was much more firm and certain. His mouth was still marred by his mask and disfigurements to his lower face, but he still dared to try lifting Kiran’s chin up just enough to kiss them, disfigurements be damned. While the summoner was surprised at first, they still didn’t fight him, so the withered swordsman before them gently fussed over them with a warm look that shone through, despite his exhausted looks.

“Last time, I was too late to help you. I let you suffer all this time in silence… I understood too late that Eir killed you out of mercy. All this time and you couldn’t trust me with your disease...”

“Kiran’s.... What…?”

Alfonse froze. He felt like he couldn’t move his legs even if he wanted to. He couldn’t look away no matter how much the sight pained him. But it wasn’t enough to see the summoner so willingly give themself up to Lif. It wasn’t enough to see the way the summoner made little effort to pick their hood up as it fell and exposed them, or the way Lif kept whispering a name Alfonse never knew before.

What stung most was the realization that he let Kiran suffer for something he could’ve prevented. He could’ve lost the summoner no matter what, and it all came into focus for him of the weight of that reality.

As Kiran briefly and abruptly tore away from Lif with another strained breath, they yet again violently coughed out a bloodied flower. It was then that Alfonse realized the kind of disease Kiran specifically suffered from, and he mentally cursed himself over how easily he dismissed the petals from before. With a few hushed whispers of Kiran’s true name, and a soft “shh” every so often, Lif embraced the summoner and held them close.

“It’s not too late. I’m here now, and I promise to help you. For all the times I failed you before, let me help you this time… My beloved…”

He couldn’t stand it anymore. It was overwhelming him between the way he betrayed Kiran to the way the summoner openly embraced Lif that Alfonse couldn’t take it anymore. He turned heel and ran before the summoner could have the chance to notice him.

Why? Why didn’t he just tell them sooner? _Why couldn’t he have done better…?_


End file.
